So a lot has happened... I broke up with Mike the day before my birthday because he's a jackass... My dad passed away September 22nd from stage 4 lung cancer.... I moved back in with Athena... I met someone new and I'm falling in love again... Just goes to show how much things change in just a short amount of time. I miss my dad like crazy... I never expected to lose him like that. But he's in a better place now and he's with my mom... I know he wouldn't want me all depressed over him being gone so I'm just trying to live my life the best I can.

The new guy is Jeremy. He's really good to me and I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. I know I was in love with Mike, but he put me through so much hell that I just couldn't take it anymore. No matter how much you love someone, how they treat you dictates how you will react. I just cannot believe that I gave up everything for him. Now I know that he was trying to play Athena and I against each other. I don't even talk to him anymore. It took me a long while to get over that whole incident and I still don't know how to act now that I have a good man. I just know I'm in love again and it's scary... This relationship is so unlike any other I've been in... I am trying to keep it going and trying to keep my head straight. I don't want to lose myself completely or fall too hard but I think it's too late to not fall too hard. I think i am head over heels already. I don't understand how I fell in love so quickly. I just hope it's real and that it lasts. I just know it feels really good...

Yes... I've done it. I'm doing it again, but this time I'm not really uprooting because I don't have much of anything due to the fact that I uprooted my entire life for this person already. Let's just say it's been a rough few weeks. If you really truly love someone, you will go anywhere with them and help them out in any way you can. Even those who say they would never do that can't really say they wouldn't because if you love someone to that point it doesn't matter. You will go to any length to be with that person. I said I would never leave Ohio again as long as my dad was alive... Now I'm trying to move out of state because the man I love found us a place but it's in a different state. That's fine with me I need a change of scenery and I would go anywhere with this man. It's a strange feeling to be that in love with someone, but I think that's what true love is all about. You support your significant other in whatever they choose to do and if they move you go with them if it makes sense. As far as moving to be with someone who is in another state, I really wouldnt do that unless I'd known them in person first... It just wouldn't work. That really depends on how you personally feel about it though.

That's a tough one because I always say I have no regrets. Yeah, in some ways I do wish I had done things differently sometimes, but at the same time, I learned something I needed to know from it. A mistake is not a mistake as long as you learn from it. Life throws things at us and how we handle it is up to us. Sometimes we mess up, but if we learn from it, we're better, stronger. Our experiences mold us into who we are as people. I know mine definitely have. I know I'm stronger right now than I was 3 weeks ago. I'm making choices that benefit me and not worrying about others. So no, I don't regret anything I've done. How can I when what happened needed to happen to give me a wake up call.. I would say my biggest regret was marrying Will, but at the same time he and I had a good relationship at one point... so I don't regret that either. Do I regret leaving him for the one I'm head over heels in love with? No because it made me happier... I wish I hadn't said some of the things I said to a few people but if they can't get over it, it's their problem... Life is what we make it. We can either be miserable and regret every mistake we ever make, or we can be strong and learn from it and become even stronger. I choose the latter because the first one just isn't that appealing... Misery loves company so if you're miserable, get away from me. I don't need anymore bad stuff... only good from here on out. Don't ever regret anything that you did because when you were doing it, you wanted to. If it turns out bad, learn from it... If it turns out good, enjoy it. Be a strong person and learn from your mistakes and you will go far in life.

I may be stupid for doing this, but I'm about to try to leave Ohio again... My boyfriend and i are homeless. He is staying in a shelter, I'm staying at my aunt's house until I can get into the shelter to be closer to him. It's not that we can't be apart... we just need each other right now. This is a tough situation and I'm learning so much because of it, but if things could have been different I would have liked that. If I had known when I had money that things were going to turn out the way they did, Mike and I would have just disappeared... And that's what we should have done.

Athena turned on me because she had a thing for Mike.... Some friend, huh? It's ok though... He and I have always come back to each other... For years we were just friends... Then we decided to be together and he moved in with me... Kind of a big mistake because there was a lot of drama in that house to begin with. Mike and I have at times gone months without speaking to one another... But we always got back in contact with each other. It's one of those things where if we get separated, I always know I'll hear from him eventually. That's why we just need to say fuck it, and be together, and disappear....I'm never going to get him out of my head (maybe he's supposed to be there)... and I know he loves me like he says he does or he wouldn't be asking me to go with him to a whole different state. I don't know why he played games like he did but I can forgive him for that... I told him though that if we're going to be together, the games have to stop and so does the lying. I told him that I would do anything for him, go anywhere with him, but I need the same committment from him.

He promised me he's going to change his ways and that things will be different. No more alcohol, drugs, or lying. And I'm going to give him a chance to prove that to me and to prove that he really wants to be with me. I love him so much it kills me to think about not being with him. He's a hard person to live with but living without him is harder... After seeing him every day since the end of April, this past week away from him has been hell. I've not shed any tears, I've kept my head up, and a smile on my face but inside it's killing me to be away from him. But I know it's ok because we will see each other soon as long as he waits for me to get back out to Lorain before he leaves. I don't think that will be an issue... We need $400 just to be able to get 2 bus tickets to where we're going. I'm taking a big chance here, and I might lose my family over it because they don't like Mike, but as much as I love my family, I gotta do what I gotta do to make me happy. And if I have a place  go with the man I love, I'm gonna go, somehow, some way...

Mike doesn't realize it yet I don't think, but I'm his ride or die chick... I've been there for him through as much as I could since I've known him for the past 4and a half years. No matter what, I've always made myself available for him to talk to, all he ever had to do was contact me. It didn't matter what I was doing, where I was even if I was at work I'd still return his calls as soon as possible. He's pretty much always been the same with me. The past 3 months have been hell... We got through that, we can get through this situation too if we stick together. I want to make this work. I'm still pissed at him for leaving me by myself and I still don't know how much of what he says is bullshit and what isn't but I love him anyway and I will walk to th ends of the earth if it means I can be with him. I already gave up everything... my stability, everything I owned, just so he and I could be together and be happy. Being homeless with your significant other is a test of your relationship. It will either make or break your relationship. I think we got through this pretty well just as long as this shelter thing and the move to a different state goes according to plan. I believe it will... I have faith that God will take me where I'm trying to go. He answers prayers in strange ways, and sometimes it takes more time than we'd like, but He answers them nonetheless... It's not about what we want, it's about what God wants for us and what will keep us safe.

I hated leaving Elyria knowing that Mike might come back for me, but it was late that day and I didn't wanna stay at someone's apartment again that was trying to get me to be with him. Mike told me to do what I had to do, so I did.... and then find out he was there an hour after I left looking for me... If I had stayed I would have been with him and we'd have had a place to stay. But I needed the week here too... I needed to spend time with my dad and my aunt, I needed the time to heal, mentally and physically. Being homeless is hard on the body. I felt like I walked for 2 weeks straight, the second week I know damn well it was at least 36 blocks a day. I'm losing weight and loving it but my body barely wanted to work when I got here a week ago. I'm doing so much better and I'm ready to go be with my man again now that I have the opportunity.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. One day I will write a book about this experience. It will be a best seller for sure.

It appears that somehow my email account was hacked and an advertisement was sent out. I am very sorry and I hope this did not cause too many problems for people. The email was sent out to everyone in my address list and I did not find out until I checked my email just now. Thank you.

 Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 57. On July 31st she will have been gone for 3 years. It seems like just yesterday that we found out she was gone. It hurts really bad especially around her birthday and the anniversary of when she died. How long will it take before it gets better? Almost everyone else around me has their mom. It makes me feel like crap that they can call their moms and say hi, or whatever and I can't. Mother's day is coming up next month too. I know that's bothering me too... I won't have my mom on mother's day. 

To all my friends, Cherish the time you have left with your mother. Make sure you spend time with her, call her often, and tell her you love her. Nobody knows how much time they have left. The worst thing in the world is to think you have plenty of time to spend with your parents then find out your mom only has 2 weeks to live if she's lucky. The only thing worse is getting the phone call that she's gone.

I Love you Mom... I miss you so much. Happy Birthday.

Sometimes my insomnia is frequent, other times it's just occasional. It really depends on a lot of things. Pain, stress, etc... The fact that I am Bipolar probably has a lot to do with most of my sleepless nights. Most of the time when I can't sleep I will take Tylenol PM which helps me to get to sleep -- most of the time anyway... Sometimes the pills allow me to sleep for a couple hours and then I'm right back awake again, which really bothers me. The older I get, the more I miss my sleep when I don't get it. But nonetheless, I still have those nights when I just don't sleep. Luckily, I can get away with sleeping when I can instead of having to depend on the sleep I can get at night. The other day I didn't get to sleep till noon, and I considered myself lucky to even fall asleep then. 

If I am going to be going somewhere for an extended amount of time, my laptop always goes with me. That's part of the reason I chose a laptop rather than another desktop. I go to college full-time online. I don't get breaks except during Christmas, therefore even during vacation, I have to do school work. Without my laptop, I would be stuck at home all the time and that would just not be cool. 

A lot of times I will even take my laptop with me if I go visit someone for more than a few minutes. I don't like to use other people's computers. I am so used to how I have things set up on my own laptop that I feel uncomfortable doing even the smallest tasks on someone else's machine. 

I text constantly, and definitely more than I talk on the phone. In fact, I even have unlimited texting on my phone just because I send and receive so many texts per month.  Whether it's friends or family, I prefer to text over actually calling someone. Maybe it's because it's easier. Maybe it's because I've never really liked talking in the first place. It's usually just chit chat to see how someone's doing. Sometimes it's about making plans, but not very often. The phone I have is perfect for texting because it has a full QWERTY keyboard when you flip it open. It definitely makes my life easier. 

I've been watching how people act on MySpace lately and it really amazes me how one simple social networking site turns people into children. And I do not mean in a good way at all. One day someone is your friend, the next they've deleted you and written a blog badmouthing you for something that is none of their business. Very interesting if you ask me... especially when they wonder why you're reading their blog.

I don't know if this is just me but I personally read every blog that's brought to my attention if it has my name in it. Good or bad, I read it, and comment on it. I have a right to defend myself if need be. Depending on what I have to say to the poster, I may not comment on the blog. Sometimes I take it directly to email.

I know some people are wondering what happened. My brother broke up with the girl he was seeing and decided to still be friends with her. They got into an argument and he said he didn't want any contact with her so she decided she wanted to be vindictive and had someone break into his school account and delete some assignments. I was furious. I told her to never speak to me again either. I was planning to help her out with a washer and dryer and a couple of ofther things for her new house. Because of this little fiasco, she assumed I was not helping her so she went and whined to the people who we threw out of our house about it.

Next thing you know, it is brought to my attention that a blog has been posted about me and how I'm such a horrible person for not helping this woman. It is said that I feed off drama. There is a lot in there and I should have copied it and pasted it here but I don't feel that is necessary. I got really angry because I had never once said that I was not going to help her out. I got mad because it was none of these other people's business. We got everything straightened out, but the drama kept on until I finally put a stop to it. Let's just say some people found out that they're not so perfect either.

This just goes to show anyway that you should not judge others unless you can claim perfection. I have said it many times before and I won't hesitate to say it plenty more times in my life. I am not judgmental. I have my faults and flaws just as everyone else does. I just think that certain others are jealous of the things I do have because they try hard to destroy friendships that I have built over 15 years or so. I can guarantee that won't happen because Athena and I's friendship could make it through anything. We've proven that.

I really just think these people need to take a good long look at their lives and figure out why they feel it's necessary to try to bring us down just because they are mad at us for throwing them out. We had no choice in the matter. They weren't helping with bills or food and that stuff gets expensive for so many people. They also ended up taking our Nintendo Wii, which was a wedding present from Will's mom. I now have to go buy another one in case his mother comes to visit. Why? Because I do not feel it is necessary to tell her the Wii was stolen and get her all upset, she is getting older, and she does not need the drama. The only problem with that is that Will's birthday present from her was a new game for the Wii.

Things seem to be looking up for the most part. I'm doing well, Will's doing well, everyone else is doing pretty good also. That is all that matters.

I will hopefully write more soon. Because  the drama queens from MySpace are on myspace where they belong, I will be writing the majority of my blogs here. That still may not be much but it will be every once in awhile.

Till then, take care and have a great day!
Love everyone,
Joanne